


Within You

by Elphen



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Drunkenness, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elphen/pseuds/Elphen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another night, another bar, the same characters. But Gojyo gets strange thoughts along the way, because why does he care about whether Hakkai finds someone or not?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How you turned my world

**Author's Note:**

> So...this is a rather old story that some may have seen on LJ before. I am hoping, by uploading here, that I'll get the energy and inspiration to finish it. I am so close to finishing it's ridiculous
> 
> Anyway - my first Saiyuki fic ever.

The time and location was different. The kind of setting pretty much the same as were the characters placed there. Characters don’t usually behave the way they ought to, though. Improvisation can be a real show-killer sometimes.

Sha Gojyo was not one to wonder about that sort of thing, though. He was a simple, straightforward type of guy and was usually more concerned with the bare necessities of life – booze, cigarettes and women. Preferably all in abundance and at the same time if it could possibly be helped. That kind of philosophical use of metaphors he left with his friend and roommate for 3 years, Cho Hakkai, who was infinitely better at such abstract stuff than he was.

He did wonder, though, as he looked around the room if there was some sort of unspoken set of rules for these establishments. The tavern looked identical to all the other taverns, inns and bars he had been to over the course of their journey. Even the barkeeper and the drinks he ordered was just the same as always. Annoying, really.

Ch’ – he was beginning to sound like Sanzo now. Irritated, he turned slightly to scan the room while trying to keep his balance on the barstool. He wasn’t drunk – the stools just became rather…unbalanced so quickly.

Sure enough, the stinking monk was sitting as far away from the bar and Gojyo as possible, over at a table facing the window with the monkey, the dragon and Hakkai sitting opposite him. The monkey was still stuffing his face with whatever was left of their usual gigantic dinner while Hakkai was sipping his tea and gently chiding Goku on speaking with his mouth full. Sanzo was looking out the window while drinking his sake, sometimes not even bothering to fill it into the cup first. He looked even more pissed than normal and it was a wonder that he had yet to point the Smith & Wesson at the monkey’s head.

The sky on the other side of the window was dark, gloomy and promising a heavy downpour sometime during either the evening or night. No wonder Mr. high-and-mighty monk was looking more and more like a thunderstorm himself. He always got absolutely horrible to be around when the rain started pouring down.

The thought of rain made him look over at the other male sitting at the table that wasn’t trying to outdo a squirrel in the amount of food propped in his mouth. Hakkai was still calmly sipping his tea, but every now and then his eyes would flicker towards the window in a seemingly nonchalant way. Gojyo knew him better than that, though. He knew the rain brought his friend just as many painful memories as it did with Sanzo. The difference was how they dealt with it.

The hanjyuu turned his attention and body – though the latter was quite a feat to accomplish at a normal speed – back to the bar and the drink he was cradling. His thoughts didn’t leave the green-eyed demon, though they wandered from Hakkai’s memories of his tragic past to a matter that had been weighing on the kappa’s mind for weeks, probably longer. A matter that he had tried hard to repress and push to the back of his mind. Under the influence of the alcohol his mind became more fuzzy and let go of a lot of ‘unimportant’ things in order to attend the more pressing issue of keeping the body in control and enjoying that…very…nice feeling going through it.

Hakkai still mourned the loss of Kanan, that much went without saying. Gojyo understood and respected that – hell, he had his own lost love, though the kind of love Hakkai had lost and the one he himself had never been able to win was quite different.

In any case, he didn’t blame his friend for it at all. Playboy, gambler and a bit of a smartass he might be, but he still was not a big enough jerk to blame his best friend for still missing his sister, his lover, his love, his Kanan – the woman whom had brought him happiness for perhaps the first time in his life. With her gone it wasn’t only Hakkai’s stomach that was scarred.

However, lately it seemed it was not only Gojyo that got attention from the so-called ‘fairer sex’ and he wasn’t talking about the kitchen-girls that found those golden puppy-you-know-you-love-me-eyes of Goku’s so endearing in a sisterly kind of way or the frightened ones brave enough to sometimes approach, well, even hint at such a thing to Sanzo – where a patented purple frost-stare was usually enough to silence them. If not, then that foul mouth of his surely made the girls’ eyes fill up with salty water and then they ran out – which earned Sanzo a disgruntled look from a very-interested-in-that-girl’s-bosom-Gojyo.

Even thinking of Sanzo actually making out with one of those girls made him bark with laughter – mentally. He didn’t want a bullet in his drink or his head, thank-you-very-much. Nah, if the monk wasn’t really a eunuch, the only one he could imagine Sanzo banging was Goku – and that was so…strange on so many levels that the hanjyuu did not know whether to laugh his head off or puke.

For being an organ well and truly soaked with ethanol, Gojyo’s brain sure did not stray off its intended, if slightly unsteady, path for very long. Ch’ – trust your brain to do exactly the opposite of what you wanted it to. Stupid, spongy thing with...curlicues in it…something.

Hakkai. The man-turned-demon had definitely had a lot of girl-attention these last couple of weeks, for example with that nun-girl at the orphanage. Okay, so she was a nun, but Gojyo had long ago discovered that the celibacy-oath could be rather easy to break for the young nuns and you’d have to be blind not to notice those moony-eyes she sent Hakkai all the time they were there. What was worse was that the healer seemed to be enjoying it. He kept smiling around her – the soft smiles, not the hard-edged ones he wore in battles. His whole attitude had seemed much more relaxed and….content than Gojyo had seen him in a long time. If the hanjyuu didn’t know better, he’d say his friend was welcoming her advances.

Hold the phone – since when had he been so concerned with the relations Hakkai had with women? No, scratch that. Since when the hell had he filed thoughts of his friend meeting up with girls under “not good”?

He hastily took a large swig of his drink, trying to chase away the thought and those thoughts drifting up alongside it – such as It’ll be lonely back home without him and Wonder if he’ll forget about me – with the fuzziness of getting drunk.

Unfortunately his brain once again decided to be rebellious and do the opposite of his directions. Instead of letting the alcohol chase every rational thought from his mind, his brain decided to use it to let more thoughts drift up. Damn his high alcohol-tolerance sometimes – and his nature that was making his own brain rebellious.

So, his sub-conscience apparently thought that Hakkai meeting some new girl was a bad thing? Why? Gojyo’s brow furrowed as he tried to concentrate and find a solution that sounded plausible, at least to his own ears.

Well, the obvious reason was that he would snatch a catch away from Gojyo. But no, that was not it. There were usually plenty of pretty girls around, so if the half-breed really wanted to get laid, he had several choices other than the girls that Hakkai attracted. Besides, if the green-eyed man could be celibate for over 3 years, then Gojyo could easily manage one evening of celibacy for the sake of his friend, surely.

Perhaps that he would change personality? If he ended up loving some new girl, would he still be the Hakkai the kappa knew? No, that was silly too. Why would that qualify as a bad reason for the man-turned-demon to find a girl? He was different now from the person he had found lying on the ground all those years ago – which was probably also very different from Cho Gonou, the man who loved his Kanan – and yet the hanjyuu had liked him even back then.

Gojyo stared into his drink and took another healthy swig of it. Pfft – at this rate he’d have to call for another bottle of the stuff. But once more the liquid poison did the opposite of what it should do. Another thought surfaced from the depths.

What if…what if Hakkai left? Not on the mission, of course he would not, but when – if – they got back to their old house. With a girlfriend in tow he probably would have more than enough to worry about without having to straighten Gojyo up too. Also, to be under the same roof with them would be…awkward at best. His best friend would no longer play poker with him or stay up late chatting – or even help Gojyo back to his bed when he came home drunk as a skunk.

Knowing Hakkai, though, he probably wouldn’t be staying for long, being that annoying man of overly consideration and…helpfulness that he was. He would excuse himself with something like “I’m very sorry, Gojyo, but I think it would be wisest if “insert-name-here” and I found another place to live. Not that I don’t like it here, of course I do. But we would not wish to inconvenience you” – and then he would smile that goddamned smile that seemed more like a clown’s mask than anything else and often annoyed the hell out of Gojyo.

If his friend left, then the half-breed would return to his former life, the one before he found the body of a mass-murderer lying on the ground with his guts spilling out of him. Of course, the gambling, the drinking and the womanising never really stopped, but there would be nobody to pick up the things that he left scattered all over the place – or, more importantly, pick him up.

That was not the real problem, though. The redhead was certain that he could manage just fine on his own again. Hell, he had managed for many years before the green-eyed man came along. Okay, so the place wasn’t exactly spotless at that time, but hey, he had survived, hadn’t he?

The real problem would be the loneliness. Waking up in the morning with no Hakkai to poke his head in to inform him that lunch would be ready in a moment and that the aspirins was located to the left of the glass of water. Coming home from the bar with no Hakkai to look up from whatever book he was reading and ask with a smile how his night went. No Hakkai to laugh with, cook with, play with, shop with, be with. Without Hakkai, their home would cease being a home and again become a place where he slept and occasionally ate. Without his friend, it would all just seem so…empty.

The crimson eyes widened slightly as realisation hit and every trace of ethanol migrated from his mind, though some of it decided to stay a little while longer in his body. Without Hakkai, something would be missing. Something that felt terribly familiar…like when he lost Jien, or his mother.

The hanjyuu groaned and lowered his head to the palms of his hands in a way that seemed very agonised to anyone who might be watching. Not that any were, in this case, for which Gojyo would probably be grateful, if he had the presence of mind to consider such things at that moment.

No. No way. No way in bloody hell. There was absolutely no possible way that the loss of Hakkai would be like losing his brother or his 'mother'. Hakkai was his friend, sure he loved him...but not like that. Definitely not like that. Uh-uh. He was a ladies' man, a womaniser, a skirt-chaser. He was straight, dammit!

Wasn't he?

"How you turn my world, you precious thing..."


	2. Everything I've done..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Up in their shared room, Gojyo finds himself deeper and deeper in thoughts about his friend...and in deeper and deeper emotional trouble, too

The location changed slightly as the time trudged steadily on. It had dumped Gojyo in one of the beds that stood in the room he and Hakkai would be occupying tonight. How he had managed to get from the not-so-steady barstool all the way up the steps, down the corridor, through the door and onto the bed was a mystery to both the kappa and the surrounding world. But then again, he wasn’t drunk so often for nothing.

He lay on top of the sheets, body sprawled over it as if somebody had dropped his body like a rag doll. A cigarette dangled precariously from the fingers of his outstretched arm, half of it smouldering ashes that threatened to follow gravity and make a rather ugly stain on the sheets.

Heh – Hakkai would probably cluck his tongue in a slightly disapproving way if he saw it. Not that he’d say anything – oh, no. It’d be all mask-smiles and a kind, teacher-like voice remarking that the sheets did look better when being stain-free. The fact that it wasn’t even their sheets would be a minor detail, Gojyo was sure of it.

Their sheets – that sounded like they really were sleeping together. The half-breed slung the arm that wasn’t occupied with the cancer stick across his forehead and groaned quietly. It seemed that no matter what he tried, there was no way out of this train of thought. He was on his way to getting drunk when this little conundrum presented itself in the first place. Smoking did nothing but calm his nerves, though that effect seemed to have evaporated this night. He had even tried hitting on some of the very...pretty girls around the bar. They all seemed interested in him, too, but his mind was distracted and his heart wasn’t really in it, so he had stopped before he had even gotten as far as having them on his lap.

Needless to say, it put him in something of a bad mood. None of his usual pastimes that he loved so well seemed able to do the trick. The kappa sighed deeply, if perhaps a little overdramatic, and sat up slowly. Leaning his back against the wall, he sighed again and closed his eyes. It was seemingly not for him to enjoy himself tonight, so he guessed he might as well go through the things plaguing his brain.

Gah – he was starting to sound like Hakkai himself now. The red-haired man tipped his head back and let out another groan. He wasn’t meant to think, damn it. Hakkai dealt with that. The former teacher was the brains of the outfit while Goku was the brawns, Sanzo the moods – though they were fairly limited, the half-breed had to admit – and he, Sha Gojyo, was the looks. He was not meant to go all ponder-ish.

That didn’t sound right. The kappa’s brow furrowed in the kind of concentration that can only be found with drunks, who suddenly find some minor detail very important. Then, being the seasoned booze-lover that he was, his head cleared a bit and he shrugged. Whatever.

But back on track. If he could get this business with his best friend out of his head he could go back to his usual ways. Heck, perhaps he could even go back to having a good, booze-induced sleep.

So…the green-eyed man meant a lot to him. Ch – went without saying, really, didn’t it? But beyond that there was something…more to it. It was hard to explain, really. But he had to try, didn’t he? At least to himself. If he didn’t get this sorted, how could he face his friend without being awkward ever again? And if there was one thing he did not want it was for things to get awkward between Hakkai and him.

But unless he got to the conclusion that he really only did like the man-turned-demon as a friend – though a very close one – how could it not be awkward?

Gojyo groaned a little louder than before. He really shouldn’t get ahead of himself because why would he get to any other conclusion than that? He was straight as an arrow, after all, so why should he even consider it?

His head slid forward slowly and then fell back against the wall a lot quicker than the forward motion. Apparently his brain really hated him tonight. When he really wanted to just drown out everything with the pleasant blanket of alcohol – perhaps accompanied by something more soft and curvy later on – his mind stayed annoyingly clear and focused…on something he really didn’t want to dwell on, too. Then, when he finally gave up and tried to make a pass at finding the deeper meaning of it all, his mind decided to play imbibed on him. Beautiful, wasn’t it?

Well, he had to figure it out before his roommate deemed it time to turn in for the night, which would probably be in not too long, knowing the ever so practical and considerate Hakkai. He’d politely wait until he thought Gojyo was either in female company somewhere that was not their shared inn-room or drunkenly snoring facedown on his bed for the night before making his way to their shared room. The green-eyed man could be eerily considerate like that. Sometimes the redhead had the feeling that Hakkai would rather walk around a mountain than disturb anything on it, including the rock itself, by climbing it.

So…he had feelings for the former teacher. Went without saying – but did he have more than friendly feelings for him? Like…serious?

For a guy, Hakkai was quite attractive, the hanjyuu had to admit that. Eyes the most brilliant shade of green with a wide range of emotions, if one knew how to look. Long legs, flat stomach, toned body. Long, elegant hands, broad shoulders, smooth skin. Gojyo didn’t need to imagine this. He knew it. After all, he had stuffed the guy’s guts back inside him and then played nurse for him a month after that. To not learn a thing or two about the guy’s body by then would not be a miracle, it’d be downright impossible.

But it couldn’t be just the physical aspect. If that was it, there were many girls – and guys – out there who was just as attractive as the healer. Well, perhaps not, but close to, anyway…perhaps…

A red-haired head banged against the wall once more. Gah – now he sounded like one of those clinging girls his bedmates sometimes turned out to be. Or worse – a schoolgirl with a crush on their young teacher. Never mind the fact that Hakkai used to be a teacher back in the day.

Try as he might, though, the notion that his friend was far more attractive than many – alright, almost all – of his “companions” would not dislodge itself and go away once it had shown its, in Gojyo’s immediate opinion, none-too-pretty face.

Shit. This could leave him in serious trouble. He…found Hakkai attractive – and not in a observation-neutral-macho kind of way. Nope. Of course he found him attractive in a I-wanna-kiss-you-senseless-and-do-other-not-quite-PG-rated-things-to-you kind of way. Go figure. If nothing else, when Sha Gojyo was out of his depth, he went out to the Marianas Trench with a deadweight around his neck. Might as well do it properly when there was no alternative, after all after all.

The hanjyuu flicked the smouldering remains of his cigarette and ran a hand through his hear a bit forcefully. Of course, what he really wanted to do was roar and beat the crap out of something. But he couldn’t do that, now could he? He couldn’t beat up innocent people. A bar-brawl might do, if not for the fact he’d already gone to his room. He fought with Goku and Sanzo, sure, but that was just for…kicks, as it were. To engage in a real fight with them would not be a good idea. Smashing the furniture would only make his roommate come running…bad idea. So he had to settle for something none-violent. Just his bloody luck, wasn’t it?

But…there was a point in his earlier train of thought, though he had to concentrate to keep a hold on it, still somewhat drunk as he was. If it really was only physical attraction, then there were others out there. They weren’t Hakkai, sure, but they were just as attractive, in their own way.

Besides, he would never jump his best friend just for a lay. Not only would there be the whole awkwardness about it afterwards – if indeed the man-turned-demon would agree to it in the first place – it would not feel right. He’d feel like he was exploiting the man and feel like he was throwing their friendship down the drain. He would not do something so utterly stupid. He could not do something so totally, utterly stupid. He respected Hakkai too much for that. Hell, he loved Hakkai too much for that.

Red eyes went as wide as they would go and then they scrunched up so hard they must have squeezed out some eyelashes.. Shit! That word again…shit and double-shit!

There really was no way around it, was there? Try as he might – and lord know that he’d tried very hard the last couple of hours – it would not stop staring him in the face, grinning like a Cheshire-cat with a death wish. As unavoidable as Goku moaning “I’m hungry” or Sanzo fishing out either the harisen or the gun out of his robe when irritated. As impossible as the monk finding a girl, as large as the pile of dishes the monkey left after a meal, as true as the fact that they were all friends, even though nobody would admit it.

The constantly pestering part of his brain, which was undoubtedly the one that brought up the problem in the first place, seemed to be snickering at him for not realizing this sooner. Of course he loved the guy that had been his roommate for three years, it said.

Gojyo considered this quietly, having, though regrettably, given up arguing in his manly denial. Well, sort of manly, anyway. Though considering anything was getting harder, as the ethanol in his body was going to the stage where everything gets a bit thick and slightly fuzzy, making it harder to concentrate.

Hakkai was not only attractive. He was kind, caring, strong, self-dependant. He was never clingy, never whiny and never ever controlling. What was more, he put up with the redhead without a fuss. He cleaned; he bore out trash; he cooked; he went shopping; he even took care of and tucked his roomie in when he came home drunk as a skunk and quite unable to handle himself. Neither did he complain when the kappa left his dirty, sex-stinking clothes all over the places, let the ash-trays overflow or was generally being a giant pig. The most he ever got out of him was something like a clicking of his tongue or a mild-toned “Please do remember that trash day is tomorrow.”

In short, you might say that Hakkai took Gojyo as he was; at face value. He didn’t expect or demand anything of him and he never tried to control and change him. No, the brunette accepted him just as he was, with every single fault. How many people – how many girls – could or would he ever be able to say that about?

The redhead lay back down on the way too hard mattress. He glanced at the other bed and the things lying neatly on top of it – how very typical of the monocled man – and then he had a staring contest with the ceiling.

So…he loved Hakkai. His roomie, his comrade, his best friend…his male best friend. This was not good. No, bloody scratch that. This was as bad as it could possibly get.

Never mind the fact that he was the womaniser and supposed to be straight as an arrow. He could deal with that later, when it bothered him, if ever it would. Somehow he wasn’t very sure it would. Never mind the fact that he had apparently been in denial for the gods only knew how long as well.

Well, the problem was that their healer was as straight as could be – Gojyo tried to ignore the small, grating voice, sounding suspiciously like Sanzo, telling him that so was he up until a few hours ago, apparently – and that he’d be intolerably nice about it if the water sprite was ever to confess anything.

A soft lip was chewed furiously. What a situation he had landed himself in! To be in love with his best friend, who could never return that love in other than a platonic way. He was still in love with and mourned over his Kanan. Even on the remote chance that he could swing that way – perhaps with a bit of persuasion from a certain red-eyed man - there was no chance in Hell that the kappa could take her place in his heart.

The hanjyuu wasn’t even going to try. He might not have known Kanan, but it would be disrespecting her memory to do anything, unless the man-turned-demon let her go – and then Gojyo might as well become a monk, because that’d never happen.

But…wait a minute. Hadn’t this whole self-search-thing started because he’d been afraid Hakkai would leave – with a woman? If the brunette couldn’t let go of his love, he wouldn’t settle down with anybody, man or woman, would he?

Yet he had roomed with the redhead for over 3 years and had happily taken care of chores and the other occupant of their home. If that wasn’t settling down, then what was?

But…perhaps he’d be able to find somebody resembling Kanan so much he could live with it. That he could, perhaps, forget it wasn’t her. Perhaps that was his goal in welcoming the advances of some of the girls they’d met on this journey.

The pestering little voice had to comment that it could also be that the green-eyed man really was moving on at long last and was looking for somebody to love. That Gojyo could be that very person. After all, he…

This time, the hanjyuu squashed the little voice quite firmly. No. That would be out of character for his friend. He had spent 3 years mourning – the redhead knew the brunette was mourning, even if he hid it behind fake, gentle smiles and humming doing chores – so the chance of him getting over it, the former womaniser estimated, was equivalent to Goku not being hungry. Yet he couldn’t just let his best friend sail out of his life, could he?

In another bout of drunken logic – why did that alcohol’s effects have to come in waves, anyway? – he was up from the bed and hurtling towards the door in at matter of seconds. However he managed to in his state will forever be a mystery. His mind was focused on one thought – he mustn’t let Hakkai go. He should stay. Hakkai shouldn’t go…no, stay…don’t go…stay…

However, after reaching the door and scratching furiously, yet futilely at it – the concept of a doorknob was a minor, unimportant detail at the moment – for a bit, the logical part, which he’d swear he didn’t have, kicked in again and he sunk to the floor in a exhausted heap.

No. He couldn’t keep his friend with him if he wanted to settle down with some girl. He couldn’t make him see why he shouldn’t go – what the hell would he say? Hakkai, you can’t go, because…because I love you, man, more than that bitch ever could. Hah! That’d go down swell.

He couldn’t make Hakkai love him.

Gojyo buried his head in his hands, though no tears leaked out. He was a man, after all, and he wouldn’t cry. Not now, not ever. But that didn’t mean he could not be miserable and miserable he was at that moment.

…everything I’ve done I’ve done for you…


	3. Though I do believe in you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, we turn to Hakkai and his less than self-confident musings on the red-head

Turning back time a bit found the subject of the kappa’s thoughts sitting at the table with the two other unlikely would-be saviours of the world. Green eyes looked first at the mob of brown hair bobbing up and down rapidly in an almost futile attempt to keep up with the motion of the head. The head was engaged in a contest of beating the previous record on how fast you could wolf down 25 large dishes of food. So far it seemed like the record would be well and truly busted. A soft, genuine smile played over pale lips.

The green eyes then went on to monitor the blond glaring daggers through the window at the rain and the smile grew a bit crooked and wistful. Such a smile was rare coming over those lips that smiled all the time, but rarely had any emotions behind it.

Such an uncaring façade. Hakkai often wondered why Sanzo thought he could fool them into thinking he didn’t care about them. He did it for his own reasons and because he was selfish, true, but that was just Sanzo. For him to do it for any other reason would be…unthinkable.

He talked so often of killing the two in the back of the jeep; he was rude and insulted them on a daily basis. Yet, when you looked and knew where to look, the signs were quite obvious. He went to such lengths to protect Goku, for instance – and Gojyo and himself, really, too. Just look at him when Goku went missing. The priest would cut his own tongue out – or preferably theirs – before admitting that he cared about them in any way, but that was fine. They all had their quirks, even the gluttonous monkey.

This went for all of them, really. None of them would admit it – just look at that time in the inn where they had to share one room – but in the privacy of their own minds and hearts Hakkai would hazard that they knew they truly cared about one another. If not, why then would they stand up for and rescue each other time and time again? Because of this mission? Not likely. They were all so much individualists and controversial, heretic beings that if that had been all there was to it, they never would have accepted this task, balance of Shangri-La and all be damned.

The monk, the monkey, the healer and the hanjyuu. The hanjyuu…the green-eyed man glanced over to the bar itself, where a certain redhead was staring into the umpteenth alcohol-filled drink of the evening. He had been downing them pretty quickly this last half an hour – strong drinks, too, if Hakkai was any judge – and though the brunette knew his best friend could hold his liquor, there was something strangely urgent about it that seemed very out of character and made the healer worry.

Why would the kappa want to drink so quickly? He only did that when something was really on his mind and…well, that was about as rare as finding a real smile on Sanzo’s face or Goku actually getting the hints, subtext and just generally the point.

Hakkai took a look around the room in order to scan it for possible clues to this mystery. There hadn’t been anything wrong all day while they were driving, so whatever the reason it must have occurred in the inn at some point.

His eyes swept over his other companions. Could they be the reason? No. Nothing had occurred over dinner other than the usual food death-match between the water sprite and the monkey and the monk’s following death threats, gunshots, fan-swings and general pissed-off behaviour – and that was so commonplace by now that no one even bothered to mention it.

After dinner Gojyo had retreated to the place where he usually felt safest – the bar. He had walked in a bee-line for it, in fact, only sparing a few glances at the female occupants of the inn. Nothing extremely unusual in that, though – it happened often enough that he only really warmed up and started surveying the troops, so to speak, when he had been sitting at the bar for a time.

Perhaps it was that he hadn’t been able to find…pleasurable company for the night yet? That sometimes got him in a huff when women weren’t…welcoming his advances as quickly as he would have liked. That didn’t happen very often, though. Despite being a womaniser, the redhead had a lot of patience when it came to girls. He would never force anybody into anything no matter how desperate he might be. Ever.

Green eyes lighted with a soft smile. That was so very typical Gojyo. Underneath the brash, hard exterior was a guy who really cared and who would break every single bone in his body if it could protect somebody. Just look at the lengths he went to to rescue that girl with the half-breed baby both from the villagers and from herself.

It often seemed to the healer that his friend was trying to make up for nobody really being there for him when he needed it by protecting and helping people who needed it. As if he could erase the bad memories and give what he had been denied. Not love, perhaps, but security, stability, a home to come back to.

Yet – Gojyo had a home now, didn’t he? The place they’d lived together for 3 years…the hanjyuu had said himself that it hadn’t really been a home before the brunette moved in, more or less willingly…

Hakkai would have to admit that that warmed something deep inside him. If he was being completely honest with himself – and when he was in his contemplative rain-mood it was really much harder for him not to be honest – he felt the same way, sort of. Not that it hadn’t been a home to him before he moved in. Obviously. More that he had felt at home at that place in a way that felt so utterly right. The redhead took him in, a stranger with an obvious problem, and treated him. He even came after him when he went to get away from Sanzo and Goku. Lips curve once more. So long ago, still so vivid.

This was one of the reasons he didn’t mind doing the chores around the house for Gojyo or, as a certain kappa liked to point out, acted like the housewife to end all housewives. His friend might be drinking, having…pleasurable company for the night more often than not, smoking and be a typical male in general, but he was also loyal, supportive, strong, caring and trusting. He didn’t care about the healer’s background unless it had some impact on either himself or his roommate – like when he got all moody and depressed on rainy days, as his friend put it – and he had stuck with him even after he knew. Hakkai had a feeling he would probably feel forever grateful to Gojyo for that fact alone.

Hmm…the hanjyuu would probably snort at that. Had it been Goku making a statement like that he’d receive a whack across the back of his head and a well-meaning insult. The green-eyed man would get a snort and a very sceptical expression which clearly spoke Man, you have got to be kidding me, seriously!

Yet it was true. The redhead might not think that highly of himself – despite his boasting and self-assured attitude which the healer could often see through, with a soft, secretive smile, too – but he had traits and values that Hakkai treasured dearly and that well made up for whatever mischief and other trouble he could get himself into.

It had gotten to a point where the green-eyed man couldn’t imagine living with someone other than his friend, even if he wanted to. Well, none except Kanan, of course, but that really was out of the question, wasn’t it? Sure, he had been talking to quite a few girls during their journey. The girl from his old orphanage, for instance – or Yaone, for that matter. His roomie would probably call it flirting, knowing him, but while the healer would admit that he was somewhat rusty in that sort of thing and therefore might miss some clues along the way, he was certain that it was not so. He would have noticed if he was indeed…flirting. It might seem that way to the unsuspecting onlooker, but none of those girls had been an attempt at replacing his Kanan.

Nothing and nobody could ever replace her. At least in the sense that none could take her place in his heart. She would always be there, a sweet, dull ache in his chest which intensified on nights like this. A memory of what he had had and what he had lost, the warmth in his heart that each soft smile reflected in beautiful eyes had created. He still loved her dearly, even after all this time, and he supposed he always would. Never any more, never any less, no matter what had happened and would happen.

That didn’t mean that there was no room left for nobody else, though. It just meant that he had not found anyone whom he could love in the way he had loved his sister. Not yet, anyway. Others might think him silly not to at least try and go for a girl, even though she might not turn out to be his next true love. At least he had given it a shot. He was still young and all that. That’s what the elder ladies he knew back home would say, often accompanied with a soft, knowing smile that they seemed to favour him with a little too often.

But for Hakkai, well…it wasn’t really that simple. He did not enter into relationships easily and while the elder ladies might be right, he saw no reason to engage in something that really had no interest for him. He was normally the one doing chores, anyway, so that was not the thing. If he wanted company and someone to come home to, there was Gojyo and the house they had shared for three years. True, it was more often the half-breed that came home to him, expecting his roommate to take care of him as per usual, but one shouldn’t delve too much into detail, right? Well, not in cases like this, anyway.

Also, each woman he found even remotely attractive and agreeable reminded him of the woman he had lost – or somebody else, somebody quite different…

Hakkai sighed after discovering his gaze had again glided over to rest at where the kappa was sitting, more specifically his backside, without his attention. The healer looked away, hoping nobody had really noticed it. Anyway – in any case, it just did not work and never would. He would not put himself – or his roommate – through the emotional trouble that came with courting some girl or other – here he imagined another red, raised eyebrow and a soft snort at his choice of words. Yet he wouldn’t, especially since his heart wouldn’t be in it at all and he would not do something so very cruel as to court somebody without truly feeling something for whoever it was. Then he’d rather stay as he was.

After all, it wasn’t that he was bad off as it was, when one took the time to stop and think about it. He had a home, even though it was a long way off at the moment. He had something to occupy himself with, like the chores of the house. He had security in the fact that he would always have something to come home to, that someone depended on him. He had something to warm his heart in the fact that somebody believed in him despite what he had done, despite his sins and the blood that still coloured his hands after all this time. Somebody that trusted him…

The healer stole another glance over at the bar, where the half-breed was downing another glass of alcohol. He didn’t promptly wave for a refill, though, which was another thing that puzzled Hakkai greatly. Normally Gojyo would be quick to wave the bartender over and have another round of whatever suited his fancy for the evening. That he didn’t have the presence of mind to do what was normally almost instinctual to him really spoke volumes to the ever-observant former human. It made him worry so much more and the worry settled somewhere low in his stomach, along with another, warmer feeling there. It was only natural for him to worry, after all. His friend was troubled by something, and what kind of friend would he be if he didn’t care? What kind of best friend would he be if his heart didn’t go out to his hanjyuu…

The brunette treasured the friendship he had with the redhead more than anything, to the point where nothing should ever come in the way of it. That was also why he would quench the small fluttering in his chest and the following spark of warmth in it whenever it surfaced – which was more and more often as of late. Also, it got stronger for each time and was increasingly harder to contain each time it surfaced, too.

Hakkai looked at Gojyo’s back once more and heaved a sigh. Seemed like the room for someone other than his sister in his heart was being filled, after all…

"Though I do believe in you..."


	4. Live without your sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hakkai argues with himself about being in love with a certain redheadd and the consequences thereof

Time went by as the location stayed the same and now only half of the Sanzo party was left in the rather…modest bar. The half-breed womaniser had left some time ago, stumbling along in a manner that was as unsteady and unfocused-yet-focused as only a real drunk guy could manage. It had Hakkai half-sitting on the edge of his chair, ready to rush over and help his friend as so many times before. Somehow Gojyo managed to stagger through the bar and up the stairs, though, and the brunette tried hard not to think about how he’d ever manage to actually unlock the door to their shared room. Otherwise, if he did think about it, he would most likely find himself going up there to assist.

Once more he could mentally hear the kappa snort. He’d probably tell him something like he shouldn’t be such an overly worried mother hen all the time and that the half-breed was capable of taking care of himself, thank-you-very-much. Most likely this would be delivered with a crooked grin that told the brunette the kappa didn’t mind that terribly much, when it came down to it.

Their ever-sour leader of an eccentric monk had disappeared upstairs as well, sometime before the redhead. Well, he had actually marched past the two brunettes, glared icy daggers at Gojyo’s back while passing and then stomped up the stairs to get to the room he and Goku was “forced” to share.

So now it was down to the former human and the monkey sitting a little way from each other at the same table. The boy was munching on a large portion of dessert the waitress had been kind enough to make – at Hakkai’s polite request.

After the monk had left, his charge had gotten up with the clear intention of following his sun. Concern and deep affection was very evident in those large irises of molten gold and that was part of the reason the healer had held him back with soft smiles and hands and a logical, reasoning tone of voice, which got him to sit down again, along with the promise of a large dessert if he was obedient. Always the insatiable monkey.

Though even when he was stuffing his face with more than should be possible for any living being to take in one mouthful, the eyes that marked him as a heretic kept darting towards the staircase, the concern, affection and utter devotion shining in them as clearly as if he had actually spoken out loud.

Hakkai sighed as he looked at the shortest member of their group. Sometimes he wondered how their high and mighty leader constantly failed to see what was to the healer so blatantly, painfully obvious that it should almost slam into your face on a regular basis. Then again, the monk had a rare talent for ignoring things that he didn’t like or didn’t know how to handle until they went away by themselves. Trouble was – Goku wasn’t going to go away. Not now, not ever. He was the most loyal thing ever conceived and Sanzo was his saviour, his guardian, his sun and he’d follow him to the ends of the earth, no matter how horribly the priest treated him or how much he was ignored. A very good example of this was this whole Homura-business they’d been through. If that didn’t prove his loyalty and what he’d do to make his sun happy, then what in the name of the Merciful Goddess would?

Speaking of loyalty…next to their dear monkey, the perhaps most loyal member of the group would be their kappa. Not that the other two weren’t loyal, when push came to shove and all that. It was more that the redhead had fewer qualms about showing his loyalty. Mostly it came in form of a rough pat on the back or an arm slung around one’s shoulders and neck, but it was there nonetheless – never spoken, but shown in a million small ways that was telltale to anyone who knew Gojyo even a little bit.

It was that loyalty that sometimes drove the healer to despair. Not because he didn’t admire it. He truly did – especially when one considered all the times that loyalty and the trust that went with it had been thrown to the wind by careless people and then, for good measure and something to kill time with, blown to smithereens.

It was more that when that loyalty and trust was directed at him, his insides started feeling very strange. All at once they started churning and fluttering, making it both cold and warm inside of him.

The churning was caused by the sinking feeling he always got when eyes of hope and trust and suchlike was turned his way – that he was in no way worthy of it. That he never would be and that he was being a deceiver and a devil by continuing to accept what was displayed in those eyes, whether they be red or golden or even purple on occasion. As for the fluttering…well…

Hakkai shook his head slowly as if to shake out the thoughts that swarmed inside it. That of course didn’t work. About all it accomplished was making Goku stop stuffing his face for a moment and look at him with the confused, inquiring expression that was so typically him when there was something he didn’t understand.

When the older man merely smiled at him, he outwardly lowered his eyes and went back to his dessert. Mentally, however, he cocked a brow and filed the scene under things that he would slip into a conversation with the other brunette when he didn’t expect it. It was easier to get a true response out of him when he was caught off-guard, after all.

Said older man still hadn’t succeeded in dispersing the thoughts he’d much rather deal with another time – like in another lifetime. Not so much because he was afraid of himself or anything. It was more that he was afraid of the consequences to others that his thoughts might lead to.

A small, wry smile appeared. Gojyo would probably laugh or snort and sling a tanned arm around green-clad shoulders with a wry comment of how it would always amuse him how the healer could put his own troubles and concerns in the background in order to let others’ worries come first – or simply just in order to suppress them as not to worry anyone.

The really amusing part about that? That the redhead was more right than he would ever know – and he wouldn’t change that for the world. As long as his friends was happy – or what passed as happy for those three, anyway – he could see no reason to destroy that happiness with…selfish things like that. After all, it would pass in time – as long as he didn’t encourage it in any way or let on to anyone that something was the matter, so to speak.

This time it wasn’t the voice of his roommate that sounded inside his skull. Instead it seemed like his own mental Sanzo decided to speak out – against him, as per usual.

Everything passes in time – even life…idiot. No doubt about it – that was definitely the voice of their always-distant, disdainful leader. Nobody else could sound quite as pissed and yet gruffly-caring as the monk.

The brunette had to admit the blond had a point, even if it in reality only was his own sometimes rather lopsided mind that was mimicking Sanzo’s voice to prove its point. He smiled turned more wry. Figure it would be him to make a mental stage show with his friends as the players. Perhaps he was the real puppeteer, when it came down to it.

He wasn’t going to act on what his inner voices, so to speak, said, though. He wasn’t even going to acknowledge anything had been proposed in the first place, even if nobody but he himself knew it. He wouldn’t.

The reason for this was connected to several things, which in turn was connected to something specific; something very central. First of all, there was the fact that Gojyo was a womaniser true and true. Had been for as long as Hakkai had known him and probably would be until he was lying on his deathbed – and probably even then he’d most likely try to smooth-talk the nurse attending him. Back “home” he always had at least two girls hanging on his arms whenever he went someplace that wasn’t their little house – and even then on evenings he’d more often than not have some girl on his arm. This made it simply impossible for the former human to ever imagine that the redhead could ever even consider anyone that was not female, let alone the brunette himself.

But there was another issue in the whole problem. The aforementioned loyalty and trust and how he was not worthy of it. Hakkai held no illusions about himself – though some would argue that he had one too many disillusions about himself – least of all about his own worth.

Not that he was suicidal or anything silly like that. His friends had effectively cured him of that, each in their own way. He could still remember being knocked down by Goku while he had been slowly plucking out his left eye all those years ago as well as the emotion flittering in those golden eyes.

Yet there was still things that made him feel very much unworthy of the trust shown him. Not only was he a demon that only stayed sane by the help of three, when it came down to it, small pieces of metal – and he had become like that by committing mass-murder of other demons. He was also capable of, and had proven on more than one occasions, that whatever madness had possessed him back then he could fall prey to once more. It was only luck – or a sadistic way of making sure he would be alive to “suffer” longer, whichever was the case – combined with the efforts of his travelling companions that…kept him more or less on the straight and narrow, so to speak.

Long explanation short – even if, on the odd never-in-a-lifetime-chance that the kappa really did like him, as more than a friend, that is, he was not worth all the trust he had been shown and even less what was usual to give a lover, not to mention all the other things and emotions that went with being lovers. He had betrayed his love, his Kanan by not being there when she needed him most. If there was one thing he couldn’t face, it was doing that again – and especially not to Gojyo of all people; the person who had experienced almost nothing but betrayal and distrust wherever he went, except for when there was lust. But even then, there was not the love, care and co-dependence the redhead needed even if he didn’t say it and perhaps didn’t even know it. He needed it like Goku needed his sun…and the healer couldn’t give it to him. Not like he deserved, anyway.

But then again, it wouldn’t be a problem, now would it? Because even if he could be attracted to the brunette, all it would ever be was just that. Attraction. Mutual pleasure that in the morning would cause nothing but awkwardness and worry. The green-eyed man could just imagine how it would be and he didn’t much care for it. Rather nothing at all than having to watch those red eyes flicker back and forth in an attempt to act like a friend and face it up in the best mate-manner possible. Mostly because he’d normally run before the morning after came. Trouble was, in those cases he’d run back to his home, but if it was ever just…mutual pleasure between the two roommates, there would be only outside to find a sort of sanctuary and that was…less than optimal, to put it mildly.

Even here on this rather tiresome journey it was not a good idea. As a matter of fact, it was even worse than if it had happened back home. Here there was nowhere to run and the tension of sitting in the same vehicle all day, day after day after such an ordeal would be unbearable, not only to the two roommates but, perhaps especially, to their ever-ticking bomb of a leader. He’d probably shoot them for real, though at least nowhere critical, because the tension they created disturbed and therefore annoyed him greatly.

On top of that there was the issue with attachment. Hakkai did not enter relationships lightly, or he’d have “gotten lucky”, as the kappa would have put it, a long time ago. There needed to be something other than just a passing attraction or simple lust Due to his past experiences, it was very unlikely for the redhead to venture any further than that, though. Not because he did it intentionally; the brunette would never believe that. More because it had become such a huge part of him over the years that it was almost instinctual by now. To commit himself to somebody was frightening, the healer suspected. It opened up the possibility that he could be betrayed again and as the incident at Homura’s castle had shown, his ties to the past was still much too strong for things like love. The most he could give was the love of a friend and even that had taken time for him to give. It would be cruel to expect more of him and while the green-eyed man could be called many things, heartless wasn’t among them.

The bottom line was that Gojyo would never; could ever love him. Therefore he would never ever mention it or let it slip it any way that he was in love with the hanjyuu. His friend had enough worries and troubles to be bothered with something as insignificant as that. Plus the friendship would always come before everything else, including personal feelings.

It was with heavy footsteps, though, that Hakkai at long last made his way up the stairs to the room he was to share with the redhead. Goku he had ushered to his room a little while earlier, to go and check up on Sanzo – for which he had received a very grateful smile before the boy had bounded off.

He, on the other hand, was off to another night of lying listening to heavy breathing and trying to calm his heart as best he could.

"Live without your sunlight

Love without your heartbeat"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a head's up that we're done with one-side POV for now. Next is actual, verbal, interaction


	5. Your eyes can be so cruel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Up in the shared room of Gojyo and Hakkai, things begin to go off kilter...

It wasn’t much to speak of, the little room the brunette and the redhead was to share for the night. Then again, how much did they really need? When it came down to it, all they needed was two beds, a bathroom and some light so they didn’t have to walk around in the dark at night.

Speaking of which – it might be as well the amount of furniture in the room was sparse, otherwise the healer would have a lot more trouble making his way over to the single unoccupied bed in the room without making very much noise. Not that he suspected the kappa would notice it if he was to make a lot of noise, judging from the amount of alcohol he’d consumed during the course of the evening. Not to mention the way his body was sprawled across the bed like somebody had dropped the various parts of him one by one and then adjusted slightly so they fitted together.

He wasn’t snoring, though, which the former school teacher was grateful for, as it meant he could listen in peace to the deep breathing coming from the other bed. Perhaps he could even fall asleep at some point, he thought as he lay down in his own bed after having changed into the loose T-shirt and pants he normally slept in and having placed both headband and monocle in a small pocket of his bag.  
Come to think of it, though, it wasn’t normal for the hanjyuu to be breathing without it coming out as very heavy snoring, not when he’d been…imbibing vast amounts of alcohol. The green-eyed man frowned slightly in puzzlement and worry. Perhaps something was the matter…?

No, he was breathing as deeply as he normally did in his sleep and was sprawled across the bed like he often was. The brunette relaxed muscles he hadn’t realised he’d tensed and heaved a soft sigh. In the end, it wasn’t his business. He shouldn’t intrude and he should not wake his friend from his well-deserved sleep.

Therefore he was more than a little surprised when something that definitely was too clear to be something that was mumbled in one’s sleep reached his ears. At least it was clear enough for him to hear it relatively clearly even from across the room, with one ear pressed against his pillow.

Despite this, he thought it was only that; drunken mumbling. That is, until he heard it again.

“You came back.”

That earned a sound that could pass for a very small chuckle. “Why, Gojyo, I was only down in the bar. It only takes a couple of minutes to walk from down there and into this room, including unlocking the door. Did you think I’d get lost in that short amount of time?”  
It was meant as a joking comment, such as the former human had often used back at their shared home when he knew the redhead needed to chuckle or laugh, whatever the reason might be.

This time, however, it didn’t earn him the reaction he’d hoped for or anticipated. Instead it earned him a soft, very strange sound. Something between a snort, a sigh and what sounded suspiciously like a small whimper. There was also movement, when the womaniser turned over so that he was lying on his side, facing towards the healer. The red eyes had a soft shine in them, probably due to what little moonlight was able to filter into the room, and it made him look like he was possessed by something not quite identifiable.

“’s not what I meant, ‘Kai,” the kappa half-mumbled, yet in the utter silence of the room it came out rather clear. “’s not what I meant…”.  
The brunette got the feeling somehow that there was a whole lot lying under the simple statement and that he was treading dangerous waters. Had been since his friend had started talking, really, but he only realised it at that moment. It wasn’t the full impact of it, though. Not yet.

This was the reason he used a rather cautious tone of voice when he spoke next. “Then, if I may ask, did you mean?”

For a time nothing but heavy silence filled the room and the brunette could almost believe that his friend had fallen asleep once more – or that what he had heard was indeed nothing more than the usual drunken mumbling in his sleep. Almost, if it wasn’t for the rather intense, nearly burning stare he could clearly feel even if he could hardly see them.

Then the voice he knew almost as well as his own was heard again. “You’re going to leave…going to leave for good. Leaving me all alone.” There was something in that voice that sliced at the healer’s heart, a tone of hurt and strange resignation.

On top of that, it made him rather confused. Why would Gojyo say such a thing? It didn’t make sense. He wasn’t sure it was wise to keep prodding at it, but on the other hand the hanjyuu was his friend and roommate and he had promised himself that he’d be there for the redhead whenever he needed him, even if it hurt.

That was why he would keep on prodding at it, though, no matter what happened. It was perhaps not the wisest thing, but obviously his kappa and his mental state and problems came first.

Wait a minute…his kappa? Since when did he get so possessive of the womaniser? True, he did have feelings for him, very strong feelings at that, but still…it didn’t allow him to get greedy and possessive, now did it? Even if it was only in the comfort of his own mind. Still didn’t give him the right to do so in any way, shape or form.

This was what he had promised himself. Their friendship came before anything else, and to allow himself to even remotely think like that…it was simply too low, even for a murderer, a beast like him…

He sighed softly, certain in the knowledge that it wouldn’t carry across the room. He was sometimes extremely grateful that he over the past few years had taught himself to hold up a façade and keep it, almost no matter what happened. It seemed that it might be necessary. Gojyo always was a handful when he was drunk – and even more so when all the tangled feelings that hid behind the easygoing grin and relaxed attitude that was little but the façade decided to come out.

Somehow this also caused him to be a lot more perceptive than was usually the case. Under normal circumstances it would please the bespectacled man to have his friend be more perceptive, but at that exact moment he really could do without it. There were some things he would rather keep to himself, after all.

Trying to snap out of his musings so as to not truly alarm redhead he made an effort to remember what had just been said. It wouldn’t do if he couldn’t come up with a coherent answer, after all. That could cause a bit of trouble, especially if Gojyo caught on to any of the things he’d been thinking about.

“Now why would I do that, Gojyo?” he inquired, trying his best to keep his voice soft and mild. “Would that not be irresponsible of me considering the mission we are on?”

On the other side of the room there was movement. Rather quick movement, too, though the healer couldn’t make out what in the darkness and he wondered why there was suddenly a sort of angry feel to the air in the room.

There was something else in the air, too, though. Something he couldn’t put a finger on, but something that, however miniscule it might be, was enough to make a discord in the auras and fabric of the air.

This something was probably what propelled him to sit up and put his glasses on in an effort to see his friend a little clearer, though the lack of answer and the decidedly angry move, if the speed and forcefulness was anything to go by, most likely had something to do with it, too.

“What is it, Gojyo? What did I do?” Once more he tried to keep his voice soft, though he could feel his worry rising, along with a spark of annoyance and anger deep inside of him.

This time there was no doubt about it. There was definitely movement and the sheer force of it, though the move itself was small, was so powerful that it not only displayed the anger but also almost hid the frustration that really got the healer puzzled.

“Forget it, Hakkai. You wouldn’t understand, anyway,” came the reply, slightly muffled as it was forced between teeth.

The spark inside flared.

“Your eyes can be so cruel..."

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. In case you hadn't noticed, it's a kind of song-fic. I've used "Within You" by David Bowied from the Labyrinth movie.


End file.
